


Billy Mays Titan Hunter

by munkynutz187



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Dramatic, Funny, Humor, Oxy Clean, Parody, Shammy - Freeform, Slap Chop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 00:55:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20883515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/munkynutz187/pseuds/munkynutz187
Summary: The story of a soldier, who fights the dirt and scum of Wall Maria. *Contains minor spoiler for AoT Season 1*





	Billy Mays Titan Hunter

Billy Mays was not the average man. After his career in selling cleaning supplies, he mysteriously disappeared, only to be drafted into the Scout Regiment in a top secret team to fight against the evil Titan threat. Trained as a soldier, he specializes in janitorial services, eliminating the threats of toxic chemicals that the Titans use in attack of the human race. Little does Billy know, the deadly secret his partner has that may threaten the lives of the entire human race…

Billy, with his partner, Vince Offer, were on their way to a shady steak restaurant in Wall Rose one monday morning to investigate a report of a Hairy Titan looming in the area. All they expect is just a simple clean-and-dream operation, but Vince has other plans. "Been a long time since we have met, right Vince?" Vince looks at him, silently. "Still have hard feelings from that last mission, huh? Alright, just remember when the cleaning foam turns white, you're ready to wipe." Vince silently agrees, as he grabs his carbonite fiber cleaning towels and loads them up into his launcher.

The pair arrives shortly afterward, and they unload their truck of supplies. "Alright" Billy exclaims, "Prepare yourself. I have heard reports of Theta level chemicals inside this building, and these are a sure sign of TITANS." Vince shudders at the thought of what happened last mission, and remembers what happened with project ShamWow. He tries to forget every day since then, but every time he is driven more and more to do something horrible. As they walk into the building, Vince has something he needs to say. "Billy? There is something I need to tell you."

`"What is it, Vince?"

"I have to say something very important about you. Its that I- OH CRAP TITANS!"

Suddenly, a naked 2 meter Titan jumps from one of the counters, attacking Vince with his human-like teeth. Billy grabs his jug of cleaning agent, and splashes it over the attacker's nape. It writhes in pain, and runs off into the kitchen, squealing in pain. "You ok, Vince?" Vince nods in agreement, as the pair shake off the random attack. As they make their way to the kitchen to finish the job, they discover something terrible just outside it. The Titans have already made their base. "Oh my gosh…" Vince gasps in shock "They are using Tide."

"TIDE?!" Billy screams, "But Tide is horrible! Oxiclean is the only bleach that cleans best!" Billy fills with rage, as he slams his fist onto the wall. He runs to his truck, grabs the bleach guns, and storms into the kitchen, with Vince following behind. Billy screams like a goat as he sprays down the kitchen, eliminating the Titan filth and obliterating the Titan's plan to release project tide into Wall Rose and Sina. He thinks that all of this is over when suddenly a Brown mass drops from the ceiling, and pounces onto Billy. "BILLY!" Vince screams, but it is too late. He is completely enveloped in the dark mass. Vince thinks quickly, and pulls out his last bottle of OxiClean. He shouts "IT'S NOT CLEAN, UNLESS IT'S OXICLEAN!" and showers Billy with the cleaning agent. The Beast Titan explodes into nothing as Billy breathes a deep breath, a sure sign that he has survived.

"Billy? Thank goodness you're okay!" The two hug each other, as they sigh in relief that they have survived another day in the dangerous job of Titan hunting. They clean the rest of the restaurant, put everything back into order, and go on their way back to the base. "Billy?" Vince asks, "There is something I need to tell you. The truth is… You're insane." Billy thinks for a moment, and says "How am I insane?"

"You think dirt and mold are Titans, so I think you are insane."

"What about the Titan that attacked both of us?"

"It was just a clump of dirt and mold."

"Oh."

Billy sits down in the truck, and thinks about his past experiences. "Did I really think they were Titans? Am I just insane?" Billy sighs, and takes a nap, thinking through Vince's comment. Little did Billy know, that Vince was actually working for the enemy just like Annie . He was secretly using tide in his gear instead of Oxiclean. Vince grins, and drives off into the distance, knowing that he has successfully fooled the great man known as Billy Mays, in his elaborate plot to bring down Oxiclean once and for all...  
\---  
He was insane, Billy Mays had just learned that he had been hallucinating everything from his old time partner and friend, Vince Offer. They had reunited after 3 years of working alone, and they were fighting what Billy thought were Titans, but in fact were just clumps of dirt and mold!

He needed someone to talk to about this, and who better else than the second best soldier in all of humanity, Mikasa Ackermann. What makes it even easier for him is that she is in the most obvious place, wherever Eren Jeager is, obviously because she is madly in love with him. Though it seems only Eren does not realize it. Though the question is now, where is Eren Jeager?

Billy got on to his horse, and started making his way to a Scout Regiment Outpost. Billy arrived at the small building and dismounted from his horse, he walked inside the building and saw a person he was not expecting working at the front desk, Connie Springer.

Connie took the sugar packet and started to pour it in to his daily coffee, when the door opened, he looked up and saw Billy Mays, in pure shock he dropped his sugar, immedialty realizing his mistake, Connie plunged is hand in to the coffee, the coffee being as hot as it was started to roast his skin. Conny screamed in pain and quickly pulled his hand out knocking the coffee on to his lap, he screamed even more as he tried to stop the pain.

Billy realized why people said he was not very bright he thought to himself as he was watching Connie scramble on the floor in agony. Billy walked over to Connie "Shamwow holds 20 times it's weight in liquid, look at this, it just does the work." Billy said as he light tossed the Shamwow on to Connie which absorbed all of the coffee in Nano-seconds.

Connie not covered in hot coffee anymore got up and breathed a sigh of relief "Thank you, Sir, you really saved me from a lot more pain right there." Billy smirked "Don't thank me, thank Vince Offer because you will sure love his nuts." Connie laughed at his joke, "well sir I am sure you did not come to sell me the Shamwow, what can I do for you?" Billy replied "I need to know the location of Eren Jeager." Connie pondered for a second, "He should be at the Scout Regiment HQ. Billy thought to himself how obvious that should have been. "Thank you Connie, I will be on my way." Billy left the building got back on his horse, and started to make his way to the HQ.

After two hours of riding, Billy Mays made it to the Castle, he tied his horse up and walked over to a courtyard where Eren and Armin were training. When Billy got there Eren was punching a dummy, "Hey Eren!" Billy said walking over to the duo. When Eren did not respond Billy assumed it was because he was to in to his training to be able to interact with any other humans.

So instead he turned to Armin, "Armin do you know where Mikasa is?" Armin replied to him "Yeah she is right up there" pointed up to a window where Levi was cleaning, "I said Mikasa not Lev-" Armin cut him off, "No below him" Billy looked farther down and saw Mikasa with her face pressed against the window staring at Eren.

"Thank you, Armin." Billy said as he turned and started to make his way to Mikasa. "It was my pleasure." Armin said with an evil grin on his face.

A single tear falls down Mikasa's face as she realizes the Attack on Titan wiki lists Eren and Mikasa as siblings, when the door opens behind her. It was the last person she expected to see, "Billy Mays here with the handy blade, remember those times you were being eaten by a titan and your blade was all the way over there? Well now you don't because the handy blade works everywhere!" Billy smiles at Mikasa as he pulls out his newest invention. "Billy!" Mikasa said as she ran up to him, hugging him immediately, she pulled back and asked "What are you doing here, I thought you and Vince were hunting Titans in wall Rose?"

Billy sighed "you are going to want to sit down for this one, I will start from the very beginning. What I thought would be your everyday normal mission, turned in to a nightmare. The titans…they had already made a base with t-tide." Mikasa gasped in her hentai sounding voice, "but everyone knows its not truly clean without Oxiclean!" Billy nodded in agreement as he wiped away his tears of frustration. "When I was this I got my Oxiclean guns and washed away all of the disgusting tide, for so I thought."

Mikasa asked confused "What do you mean?" Billy sighed once more, "Vince, told me I imagined it all that I am going insane, they were just giant clumps of dirt and mold!" Mikasa shook her head. "I don't know much about your mission but I do know that when the Military Police went to clean up the mess that they found two Titan skeletons, so there is no way you imagined that."

Billy at that moment realized something, he was not insane, Vince had tricked him, but why? "Wait a minute, Vince, if you add Con you get convince, past-tense would be convinced, the word convinced has 2 syllables, Vince has one syllable, 2+1=3, there are three points on a triangle. Triangle, otherwise known as the symbol of the Illuminati." Mikasa finished his rant "Vince is titan ally confirmed"

"Mikasa get prepared we are going to confront Vince once and for all." Mikasa nodded and started to get the Oxiclean and Shamwows together, Billy got the horses ready and they set off. But the horrors they'll see when they get to Vince's house will be unimaginable.

Armin had been listening to Billy Mays and Mikasa's conversation the whole time. He grinned evily as they realized Vince's true motives and he was going to alert his master so they both can bring an end to Oxiclean. Once and for all.

Begin OxiTitan commercial-

Hi! Billy Mays here for OxiClean, the titan specialist, powered by the air you breathe,  
activated by the water that you and I drink. It's Mother Nature-approved and it's safe on  
your steel blades.  
Use it on Omni directinol devices. OxiTitan seeks out Giant Titans, medium titans, even tiny titans. it gets down  
into the nape, into the flesh. It even takes red blood and steam out of titans. It cleans, it kills, it eliminates titans all at the same time. Don't just get it  
dead, get it Oxidead.  
Make a blade. Make it 10 times as powerful! The longer you let it set, the easier it is. It  
will whiten your grout and get rid of your toughest titans.  
Sometimes slicing is the solution. If you use tide, you'll surely die! Oxititan  
won't hurt the material - even lace! It has the power of bleach without the damaging side  
effects of chlorine.  
When your laundry detergent just isn't enough, super charge it with OxiTitan. One scoop  
in every load of laundry, it will make your blades sharper. It will make your blades longer!

As a Titan remover, it's the best! Female titans, Beast titans. Long live the sunnn!

OxiTitan, the Titan specialist.  
We sold millions of our 3 blade sets for $40. But if you call now, we'll cut  
the price in half, only $19.95. You'll also receive the Squirt Bottle and the Super  
Shamwow absolutely free.  
If you call during this show, you'll receive a bottle of our world-famous Cannon Clean  
made with pure gun powder. It cuts through the titan and the titan shifter whether it's baked on in the wall or it was on the inside of the armored one. You get all this for just $19.95.

But call in the next 20 minutes, and we'll super size your OxiTitan from a dull 3 blade set to a whopping newly sharpened 9 blade set! Nearly triple the amount, but you got to call  
now!  
Here's how to order.

End OxiTitan commercial-

Billy Mays, and Mikasa Ackermann, some of the best soldiers humanity has and ever will know.

2 hours before the event of this chapter the duo deduced that Vince Offer, the former Project:Shamwow agent, alongside Sergeant Mays, was in fact working with the Titans.

They got their gear together and ventured out to confront Vince.

What they did not know was that Vince knew they were coming, and he was quite prepared.

After two hours of riding on horseback, Billy and Mikasa made it to their destination, Offer Manor. Billy hopped of the horse and walked up to the door and started to knock. As soon as his hand touched the door lightning crackled behind him, which in turn startled their horse who threw Mikasa off his back and took off.

Billy sighed, "I knew I should have picked a better horse." He walked over to Mikasa and helped her up, she brushed off the mud on her pants "Well, we have no Shamwows or Oxyclean anymore, all we have is this old Shammy." Mikasa said sadly. Billy Mays smirked, he took the shammy out of Mikasa's hand and raised it into the air, "With this shammy, I will defeat Vince Offer!" Billy said defiantly, when all of the sudden a huge rain storm came from seemingly nowhere quickly soaking the two heroes.

Billy kicked down the door of Offer manor and walked inside, with Mikasa following behind him. Billy had been in this house many times before so he knew the layout well, "Ok Mikasa stay behind me, we are going to the living room where he most likely is." Mikasa nodded.

The duo walked down the seemingly endless series of hallways until they finally made it to the living room. The room was a mess, newspaper was all over the place, tables were flipped over, and even the fireplace was out. "Seems as if though he left in a hurry." Mikasa walked over to the fire, "And recently, the wood here is still hot." She said while pointing at the scorched logs.

"Interesting, now I this house well, and I know there is a cellar..." Billy Mays had an epiphany, "His secret lair is in the cellar!" Mikasa nodded her head in agreement. The duo then walked over to the cellar entrance and opened the latch, "I'll climb down first" Billy said as he readied his ShammyPam, a shotgun of his own invention.

Billy climbed down the ladder leading to the cellar, with Mikasa close behind. They looked around the dark cold room, and saw a door at the end with light shining out from beneath it.

Billy pointed towards it and motioned Mikasa to kick it down. He stood with his gun pointed at the door, just in case anyone was on the other side.

Mikasa kicked down the door, and they saw the one thing they thought they would never see… Armin Arlert, Mikasa once again gasped in that weird anime way that sounds like hentai.

"A-arimn? What are you doing here?" Mikasa asked confused, "Can't you see Mikasa? I am betraying Humanity! I don't care about you! Or Billy! I especially don't care about Eren Jea-" Mikasa cut him off by slashing his throat open. Blood poured out of his throat as he collapsed to the floor, dead.

"Do not ever talk shit about Eren!" Mikasa said defiantly, Billy stared at Armin's lifeless body, "Christ Mikasa that was pretty bad ass, but a little brutal." Mikasa shrugged and stepped over Armin's body, "Well let's go to Vince he is bound to be here somewhere." Mikasa said

Billy started to follow Mikasa, when a figure threw a grenade filled with tide at Mikasa. "Mikasa look out!" Billy screamed, but Mikasa just looked back at him confused as the grenade went off, her unconscious body violently crashing in to the wall.

Vince walked out from behind a pillar, "Hi Vince with shamwow, you'll be saying wow, everytime I hit you with one of these grenades!" Vince said as he lobbed another Tide filled grenade at Billy

"I did not want to do this Vince! But you leave me with no choice!" Billy knew the time had come he never wanted to have to do it but he did it.

"Hi, Billy Mays here with the high ground switch!" He flipped the switch and a trap door from the ceiling opened up and out came , Vince gasped, " you underestimate my power!"

Mr Clean looked at Mikasa covered in blood, "You stained Mikasa's shirt, and you must now pay the price." He said as he picked Vince up and threw him into a pit of lava.

Billy gave a thumbs up to Mr Clean as he flew away. Billy looked over at Vince burning, Vince screamed "I HATE YOU!"

Billy looked at him sadly "You were my brother Vince, I loved you." Vince howled in agony as Billy picked up Mikasa and walked away.

Vince clawed his way out the pit of lava, all but one of his limbs were burnt off, when Bob Ross came to him, and got his minions to put Vince in to a medical truck, where they would turn him into a monster of a man known as... Darth Vader...............


End file.
